the other girl

“The thing about meditation is: You become more and more like you.” -David Lynch

{dream} a succession of images, thoughts or emotions passing through the mind during sleep; a vision voluntarily indulged in while awake; an aspiration

I close my eyes and begin to fall deeply into a mindful meditation. Isolated, standing in the middle of a field. The strong, yet diverse, scent of wildflowers and lavender tickle my nose. Birds begin to chirp gayly in the background. A gentle, cool breeze whooshes in and I absorb the warm rays like the sun reaching out for a hug. I find comfort in its embrace. There is a shadow in the distance. I can’t fully grasp exactly what or who the shadow is. Is it an animal or another person? Will I be able to communicate with it? Do I know this thing?

The shadow slowly creeps it’s way toward me. As it approaches, I notice the slender, athletic like appearance. The shadow has thick, long locks similar to a horse’s mane. Reaching out, as if to shake my hand, the shadow stops. Carefully studying the shadow I conclude that it’s a young woman.

Fantasizing, I place the puzzle pieces together of who she might be. By no means is she perfect or expect to be perfect. That is unrealistic. Her stature reflects the countless miles ran and complex yoga poses practiced. Friday nights out on the town with her ever loving gang fill the bottomless memory bank. The same group that brings joy and laughter are swift to pick her up when she falls and starts to crack. They pray together, sing and dance together, giggle, cry and take shameless selfies together. Prince charming sweeps the young woman off her feet. He’s a strong, handsome, Godly man. More than she could ever imagine. His faith nearly takes her breath away as they read The Word and attend church together. Brunch dates and snuggle sessions fill her calendar. This charming gentleman and dashing young lady tackle the world as an impeccable pair. An aura of confidence, compassion and capability radiate from her appearance. I imagine the the shadow with a luscious garden and comfortable little apartment. A perky puppy greets her at the front door with a wagging tail and doggy breath. A stack of psychology and education books pile on her desk. Her agenda is filled with essay dates, presentations and work. At times, life gets overwhelming but the way the shadow carries the load is graceful and effortless. Mindfulness practices are permanent in her daily routine. Hot tea, journaling and a sappy romance book end her tiring day. She lives a life full of bliss and contentment.

I reach out for the shadow. My hand only inches away from the young woman. She reached out again as if wanting to be closer. The shadow is stuck in a pit full of yucky mud. Neither of us can move. It can’t stay like this forever. Patience and determination the deciding factor. What will be next?

“May I live like the lotus at ease in the muddy water”

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Be Free

“I am the sky and nothing can stick to me. The sky is open and vast and stays unchanged no matter what; it is always the sky. A storm can roll through it, an airplane can roll through, and it is always the sky.” – Geralyn Lucas

Oh darling, pay close attention. Although you are searching to break free, you fail to see all that I have created you to be. I have already set you free from the law of sin and death. The chains are gone! Shout to the heavens! You, my dear, are far much more than any myth the enemy is feeding you. It is covering up My goodness. You are My daughter, a true princess. Behind all of that rubbage is a temple of the Holy Spirit who dwells inside you. You were uniquely designed and placed exactly where you needed to be. A dazzling piece of art. Put your trust and faith in Me. Know that you are divinely appointed, abundantly equipped, and profoundly cherished. No enemy plan, scheme or obstacle can keep you from My highest and best will for you. You are my treasured possession. (Deuteronomy 7:6) I have sent your compassionate sister to remind you of who I am. Reference Psalm 91 and remember that I am your refuge and strength. This has stuck with you for a specific reason. Memorize this chapter. Look at the world around you. Unveil the talents I’ve given you and spread your gifts all around. Sweet child, you are a person of character. In a universe filled with over 7 billion not a single one is comparable to you. My son sings,

I am no longer defined

By all the wreckage behind

The one who makes all things new

Has proven it’s true

Just take a look at my life

These words apply to YOU!

Selfless. Free spirited. Adventurous. World changer. Involved. Gracious. Unpretentious. Devoted. All positive attributes that you hold and then some. Grab tightly on each adjective and fully embrace the meaning. My love for you is unconditional and will never be replaced. Take time to reflect and pray. When your monster and ED start to get in your way remember who you are and where you come from. Nothing is impossible when I am on your side. It is time to surrender. Set yourself free and break the cycle. Put ED in My hands and I will take care of the rest.

 

Love,

The one true King

 
Ecclesiastes 3:11 “He has made everything beautiful in its time.”  

 

I Dream Of…

“Let your dreams be bigger than your fears and actions louder than your words.” – unknown

I dream of a farmhouse. A farmhouse with a large open kitchen and a spacious farm sink. Mini fridge in the island for kiddos.  A farmhouse with beautifully stained hardwood floors and a large rustic farm table. Fresh cut flowers rest on the counter. Shiplap covers the walls. A master suite and bathtub for bubble baths to end long, tiring days. French doors and cool colors. Office/craft room filled with endless supplies. Chalkboard paint and wooden crates.  A white wrap around porch with rocking chairs waiting to be sat in. Oversized porch swing. Wide land for farm animals to wander and a luscious green garden. Vegetables, cows, chickens, fruit, and goats. Dogs chasing butterflies and rolling in mud. The barn sits off in the distance. Spacious patio for entertaining. Walk down the gravel path; reach the labyrinth. This is a safe haven.

I dream of a family. Mommy. Momma. Wife. Honey. Children running around barefooted. Climbing into treehouses and dressed up for tea parties. Husband and friends huddled around the tv hollering over football. Honey Do lists. Proverbs 31. Family dinners around the table. Extracurriculars. Traditions. A husband that takes me just as I am. Imperfections and all. A husband with an infatuation for Jesus larger than I. One that my soul loves. Homework and bills scattered across the counter. Family movie nights with buttery popcorn and nectarous treats. Beach trips and Disney World. Blessing before dinner. Strands of popcorn and cranberries cover the freshly picked Christmas tree. Wintery snuggles. Pumpkin carving and pudding jumping. Bed sheet forts and picnics. Laughter and memories fill the home.

I dream of a flower shop and café. French meets Country. Pictures of lavender fields and fresh sweets line the walls. Banana bread and tea cakes fill the glass case. A place where people gather happily and share coffee and laughter. A place where men and women come to pick out pulchritudinous arrangements for their lover just because. Large windows to gaze out at the city and watch the world go by. A patio filled with seating to absorb the rich environment. A “mug wall” where regulars hang their favorite cup to use when they need comfort from a warm drink. Endless tea and coffee combinations. A booming business that allows us to give back to the world. Open floor plan but a distinct separation between perennials and confectionery.  Arrangement bar meshed with sacchariferous aroma. Succulents and java beans stuff the room.

I dream of a profession that I deeply enjoy. Making a difference in children’s lives by bring education and psychology together. A field designed to break down barriers and stigma of special needs. Bringing financial stability and providing my share to the family. A job that is more than something I love. Empowering young minds of future world leaders. Fluent in sign language. Watching them grow and learn even when kids don’t realize it. A classroom becomes a second home. Not just to me but for the kids also. Students become scientists, historians, authors, explorers, creators, and thinkers. Bright smiles light up the room. My creative side and motherly intuition comes out.    

I dream of traveling. Setting foot on all seven continents. Reaching all 50 states and embracing the freedom of my country. Standing under the Eiffel Tower breathless and riding elephants in Thailand. Embracing each adventure. Expanding my palette with delightful new cuisines. Snapping thousands of photos capturing each moment. Road trips and flights. Check off another box on the bucket list. Camping in the mountains. Log cabin tucked away in the woods. London. Tokyo. DC. Oregon. Australia. Great Lakes. I want to see it all.

I dream of a never ending relationship with Jesus.  Constant prayer. Alone time with Him. Striving to become more the King. Comfort knowing that it is all in God’s hands. Church family. Bible studies. Faith. Hope. Commitment. I am a friend of Jesus and a child of God. He created me in His image. All of my sins are forgiven. Finding strength. Tackling life one day at a time but by the side of My Father.

I dream of writing. A book of life lessons. Blossoming blog. Getting lost in other’s words. The freedom of expressing myself without judgement or fear. Pen meets paper. Typing for hours. Journals and books piled high every corner you turn. At times there’s no other way to get the message across.

I dream of good health. Crossing the finish line of that marathon. Thrilling. Running and yoga. Mental and physical; equally important. Appointments. “Me” time. Balance. Daily meditation and positive vibes. Health is more than just fruits and veggies. It is a lifestyle. Filling my body with water.

I dream of an education. Graduation. Fluency in world languages. Psychology and Special Education. Expanding my knowledge. Learning new information. It does not stop after college. Growth in every day. Fun classes just because. Knowing that there is always something new out in the world.

I dream of changing the world. Spreading kindness and affection. Making that slight difference in giving others hope. Small steps in making our country a better place. Fill it with love not hate. Random acts of kindness.  

I dream of adopting. Becoming a child’s forever home. Incorporating their background with mine. Flipping their world upside down. One less orphan. Building a family. “I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.” -the alchemist

I dream of dreams.

“I can do all things through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

 

Distracting the Monster

“I must have flowers, always and always.” – Claude Monet

Lavishing Pink. Festive Purple. Bleached White. Vibrant Yellow. Flaming Red.

The breathtaking colors mold the atmosphere around me. Mason Jars are lined up. Birds are chirping happily and I hear the swooshing sounds of wind. The smell of rosemary is distinct and sweet. The neighborhood is quiet. Children are inside nestled in their beds napping or curled up with a book attempting to stay cool. The humidity is almost suffocating. Clouds, squishy like marshmallows, whirl gently by. I begin to delicately place various flowers into jars. Quickly I get sucked in. The monster is quiet. Nothing can come between  my soul and the present moment. The mind has become still. My focus is solely on the open blooms. Work, the monster, people, society, appointments. They all drift away. It’s like I’ve opened up a whole new world. I lose track of time. This becomes a form of art. Each flower is placed precisely in the jar. There is a home for each one. It’s all a process. Cutting, arranging and watering. Seven arrangements later, they’re complete. I know, in my mind, that I won’t be able to perfectly capture this feeling. I snap pictures anyway. Gathering and moving the small fractions of earth, I position each so. A sense of happiness and delight washes over me. Others should feel this warm, fuzzy like, feeling. The flower fairy goes to one house, then another, and another, leaving her magical flowers each place she goes. I’ve found my niche. Something so simple yet so transformative. It was only a few months ago that I discovered this new form of “therapy.” Deep down, my monster will never leave. It lives comforted in the pits of my being. There is no true escape. But just for a minute, the path is divided. I begin to wander on a path filled with endless miles of wildflowers. The monster sits. Defeated. I lead with authority and upper hand. Getting lost and falling out of this monster and “crazy” world becomes a new habit. I’ve become consumed with flowers and their mighty power.  

Psalm 96:11-12 “Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad; let the sea resound, and all that is in it. Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them; let all the trees of the forest sing for joy.”

 

Dear ED

Last week, still struggling with the monster, another “enemy” popped up; ED. ED and the monster are close alliances but far from anything close of a friend to me. Unfortunately, these two have been in my life for a lot longer than I would like. It wasn’t until June 28 that I finally let ED out. ED has been squished down for so long that I started to become a ticking time bomb.
I sat in my room only to be consumed of the thought that a scale was sitting in my bathroom floor. I began to obsess over the numbers again. ED was shouting and in my face more than ever. I didn’t know what to do. Sitting there, I knew I needed to get rid of the scale. Part of me wanted to beat it with a baseball bat and another couldn’t possibly allow myself to do that. “Binge!” “Binge!” that’s all I could hear from ED.
 
Not knowing what else to do, I reach for my backup plan. Some people think of superheros to be Batman, Superman or even Wonder Women but, for me, my superhero doesn’t wear a cape. When my “skill jar” has reached empty, I run to Al! Finally, I stir up enough courage and hide the scale. ED had built up inside so much that I had reached the point that I needed it out. I wanted it ALL out! My head was clustered, I was searching for a HEALTHY skill, and then it began. I opened my laptop and the words flowed straight from my head to the keyboard. A few minutes later, I felt the release. ED was out. The secret was out. As embarrassing and vulnerable I felt, there was a sense of peace and comfort. I was beginning to gain control. Then Al spoke the truest words, in that moment, “this letter is a start to a hard journey of recovery but if anyone can do it, it’s you.” 

Dear ED,

All I want to say is f u. I feel like such a slave to you. I’m like a puppet and you are the puppeteer. When you’re around I forget about all the other things that make up who I am. Your voice constantly screams at me like a toddler throwing a tantrum. For some reason, I am so much more aware of you. Recently, you have out shined my monster which is different than usual. You and the monster are best friends. Y’all like to team up on me and see who can have the bigger voice against me. I’ve been an unhealthy relationships and been blinded to the fact of how abusive they were but you, ED, are the worst. With boyfriends I can at least break up with them but with you it seems that I can never get away. You follow me around everywhere I go. School, work, the grocery store, the mall, wherever I am, you are right there with me. Because of you, I have an unhealthy relationship with food. Because of you, I hate to look in the mirror. Because of you, I hate going shopping and buying new clothes. Because of you, I have the worst body image possible. You have turned loved ones against me by feeding me lies. “You’re fat.” “You’re ugly.” That wasn’t someone being a bully, it was you. Ed, you manipulate the world around me just to please you, regardless of the consequences. You are with me when I’m bored, sad, angry, anxious and even happy. But you love to creep up the most when I’m alone. You make me feel like I have to hide. I’m tired of you controlling my life. I’m over feeling ashamed and worthless. I want to be confident and happy with my body. I want to be comfortable in the clothes I choose. I want to be able to look into a mirror and be proud of the reflection. I want to have a healthy relationship with food and not constantly hiding or avoiding. I want to be able to eat with friends and family and feel comfortable doing so. I want to have self-control. I don’t want to hide behind baggy clothes. Ed, I know that you don’t define but right now you are feeding my monster.

Sincerely,

A girl searching to break free