Dear ED

Last week, still struggling with the monster, another “enemy” popped up; ED. ED and the monster are close alliances but far from anything close of a friend to me. Unfortunately, these two have been in my life for a lot longer than I would like. It wasn’t until June 28 that I finally let ED out. ED has been squished down for so long that I started to become a ticking time bomb.
I sat in my room only to be consumed of the thought that a scale was sitting in my bathroom floor. I began to obsess over the numbers again. ED was shouting and in my face more than ever. I didn’t know what to do. Sitting there, I knew I needed to get rid of the scale. Part of me wanted to beat it with a baseball bat and another couldn’t possibly allow myself to do that. “Binge!” “Binge!” that’s all I could hear from ED.
 
Not knowing what else to do, I reach for my backup plan. Some people think of superheros to be Batman, Superman or even Wonder Women but, for me, my superhero doesn’t wear a cape. When my “skill jar” has reached empty, I run to Al! Finally, I stir up enough courage and hide the scale. ED had built up inside so much that I had reached the point that I needed it out. I wanted it ALL out! My head was clustered, I was searching for a HEALTHY skill, and then it began. I opened my laptop and the words flowed straight from my head to the keyboard. A few minutes later, I felt the release. ED was out. The secret was out. As embarrassing and vulnerable I felt, there was a sense of peace and comfort. I was beginning to gain control. Then Al spoke the truest words, in that moment, “this letter is a start to a hard journey of recovery but if anyone can do it, it’s you.” 

Dear ED,

All I want to say is f u. I feel like such a slave to you. I’m like a puppet and you are the puppeteer. When you’re around I forget about all the other things that make up who I am. Your voice constantly screams at me like a toddler throwing a tantrum. For some reason, I am so much more aware of you. Recently, you have out shined my monster which is different than usual. You and the monster are best friends. Y’all like to team up on me and see who can have the bigger voice against me. I’ve been an unhealthy relationships and been blinded to the fact of how abusive they were but you, ED, are the worst. With boyfriends I can at least break up with them but with you it seems that I can never get away. You follow me around everywhere I go. School, work, the grocery store, the mall, wherever I am, you are right there with me. Because of you, I have an unhealthy relationship with food. Because of you, I hate to look in the mirror. Because of you, I hate going shopping and buying new clothes. Because of you, I have the worst body image possible. You have turned loved ones against me by feeding me lies. “You’re fat.” “You’re ugly.” That wasn’t someone being a bully, it was you. Ed, you manipulate the world around me just to please you, regardless of the consequences. You are with me when I’m bored, sad, angry, anxious and even happy. But you love to creep up the most when I’m alone. You make me feel like I have to hide. I’m tired of you controlling my life. I’m over feeling ashamed and worthless. I want to be confident and happy with my body. I want to be comfortable in the clothes I choose. I want to be able to look into a mirror and be proud of the reflection. I want to have a healthy relationship with food and not constantly hiding or avoiding. I want to be able to eat with friends and family and feel comfortable doing so. I want to have self-control. I don’t want to hide behind baggy clothes. Ed, I know that you don’t define but right now you are feeding my monster.

Sincerely,

A girl searching to break free

 

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