All I want to say is f u. I feel like such a slave to you. I’m like a puppet and you are the puppeteer. When you’re around I forget about all the other things that make up who I am. Your voice constantly screams at me like a toddler throwing a tantrum. For some reason, I am so much more aware of you. Recently, you have out shined my monster which is different than usual. You and the monster are best friends. Y’all like to team up on me and see who can have the bigger voice against me. I’ve been an unhealthy relationships and been blinded to the fact of how abusive they were but you, ED, are the worst. With boyfriends I can at least break up with them but with you it seems that I can never get away. You follow me around everywhere I go. School, work, the grocery store, the mall, wherever I am, you are right there with me. Because of you, I have an unhealthy relationship with food. Because of you, I hate to look in the mirror. Because of you, I hate going shopping and buying new clothes. Because of you, I have the worst body image possible. You have turned loved ones against me by feeding me lies. “You’re fat.” “You’re ugly.” That wasn’t someone being a bully, it was you. Ed, you manipulate the world around me just to please you, regardless of the consequences. You are with me when I’m bored, sad, angry, anxious and even happy. But you love to creep up the most when I’m alone. You make me feel like I have to hide. I’m tired of you controlling my life. I’m over feeling ashamed and worthless. I want to be confident and happy with my body. I want to be comfortable in the clothes I choose. I want to be able to look into a mirror and be proud of the reflection. I want to have a healthy relationship with food and not constantly hiding or avoiding. I want to be able to eat with friends and family and feel comfortable doing so. I want to have self-control. I don’t want to hide behind baggy clothes. Ed, I know that you don’t define but right now you are feeding my monster.
A girl searching to break free