butterfly 

“Your time as a caterpillar has expired. Your wings are ready.” -unknown 

{transform :// to change in condition, nature, or character; convert ; to change in form, appearance, or structure; metamorphose}
Depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, post traumatic stress disorder and symptoms of borderline personality swallowed the young girl’s soul. There were no signs of life, just a walking vegetable. Her personal hygiene and appearance become less of a priority. Sweatpants and oversized t-shirts were her daily attire and makeup was a rare occurrence. Her fiery red hair knotted on top of her head. Restless nights and 

The young girl’s authentic self was washed away by her monster filled brain. Isolated in an overpowering world. She had stopped singing in the car. Music had quit lifting her spirits. Her authentic self was stripped away. 
Growing up things were a little different for the Disney princess want to be. After barely starting elementary school the young girl’s parents divorced. She doesn’t remember much of her relationship with her father but one night would be permanently embedded into her mind. Knowing it wasn’t his weekend to have the young girl and her sister, he decided to take matters into his own hands. The man stormed into the girls’ home and chose to take them with him. This would begin the young girl’s issues with male figures. For most of her childhood her family consisted of three; her momma, her sister and herself. Once middle school rolled around another large change took place. Two families would shortly merge into one. The family of three was now a family of seven. Sophomore year of high school brings one of the biggest events of the young girl’s life. April 27. A day a tornado would sweep away pieces of her life and destroy her home. She spent most of her junior year taking on the motherly role. Caring for her siblings, preparing meals and taking on household chores. In a way she was a mother and a high school student. There was a struggle to carry both roles but she felt there was no other choice. After graduating the young girl attended technical school full time, worked three jobs, was in a serious relationship and somehow still managed to have a social life. Pressure and perfectionism built up only to be fueling her monster without realizing it. 

It wasn’t until her first semester away at school that she truly fell to rock bottom. She began hiding in her schoolwork. The only thing she felt she had complete control over in her crumbling world. Picking skin around her fingers until they bled and were sore for days. Isolation took over and the eating disorder behaviors increased. All what her mentally ill monster brain wanted. 

The young girl tried reaching out but the people around her said it was “just a phase.” “Every college student goes through it their first semester away from home.” That it was “normal” for people to feel this low because it takes time to adjust. She never adjusted. After pleading and pleading the young girl finally found the beginning of her relief on Thanksgiving day. She was placed in treatment. The next coming months would radically change her life. 

After bouncing from the hospital to an outpatient facility the young girl packed her things and moved a couple hours away from her family where she would live in a residential facility. Emotions continued to swirl but for the first time she had hope. Throughout her journey she met incredible people. Psychiatrists, counselors, other people going through similar journeys. Now she’s not alone. The young girl learned she was never alone. There didn’t need to be any shame in her story. 

Looking at the young girl they all could see it. The world around her could capture the unapologetically authentic soul she was releasing. A heart so large that it couldn’t be tamed. That smile could brighten any given room. An attitude balanced of wild independence and soft reserve. She was showering each individual she encountered with her light and grace. The eagerness to enlighten others with the wealth of random knowledge spewed out of her. The young girl had that whole purpose driven, warrior princess, save the world type vibe. Her eyes reflected the hearts she touched and lives she impacted. There was something magical about how she went about her days, effortlessly and poised. 

The young girl could finally see how the world truly viewed her. She had broken out of that old cocoon. Taking ownership of her story was the most powerful thing she could’ve done. Each day isn’t going to be perfect and she still faces challenges of her mental illnesses but now she knows it’s ok to reach out. There’s nothing wrong with embracing her differences. It was time to fly. 

https://youtu.be/C8zZ4o-41mM

rest.

“Take a rest; a field that has rested gives a beautiful crop.” – Ovid

{rest :// the refreshing quiet or repose of sleep; refreshing ease or inactivity after exertion or labor}

It’s nearly 3:00 am. Severe weather warnings flash across the tv. She watches the lightning fill up the dining room. Sounds of politic filled late night shows fill the background. The corner of the cozy couch conforms around her. Every few seconds a crack of thunder consumes her universe. Normally the young girl would be crawling out of her skin during a thunderstorm. Tucking herself away in her bed with headphones in and music blasting. Tonight was different. PTSD shot down. Her monster lost. Instead Jesus won. 

Unbothered by her surroundings, the young girl continued to watch a Facebook video. The woman in the video discusses about rest. How Jesus created in six days but the seventh was created specifically for rest. As she began to think about it, she couldn’t remember the last time she had rested. It had been over a week since her last off day from work. The young girl was exhausted. Physically, mentally and spiritually. She had veered off her path with her Heavenly Father and succumbed to the enemy’s power. Losing herself in work rather than finding herself in her faith.

The young girl climbs into bed. Turning on a new meditation a friend sent her. As the video starts she can feel her body relax. The words are powerful and meaningful. She can feel the impact in her soul. Noticing the words the young girl pays attention to the mention of rest again. This was Jesus’ way of calling His daughter back to Him. 

The “to do” lists would still be there. Her job wasn’t leaving. School work wouldn’t diminish. Friendships would not be broken and the world would still be spinning. It was time she carved out some time, even just 15 minutes, to rest. She needed to spend time in prayer and allow her body to recharge. The young girl wasn’t being selfish, she was learning to take care of herself. 

The only way to refuel herself was through Jesus. In a world full of high demands and countless temptations it’s easy to become burned out quickly. Her little thunderstorm moment was a glimpse of peace. She wanted to make a habit of fueling her fire in a healthy way. A fire fueled by Jesus. 

Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

https://youtu.be/3ELxqlES8v8

https://www.facebook.com/whoasusannah/videos/1378096158911336/