8.11.18

There’s so many moving pieces that I’m not sure how to process it all. I start outpatient treatment for ed in a couple weeks and my mind swirls like a reckless tornado. Shame has held me captive in chains and shackles for longer than I care to admit. Will this be beneficial to my health or am I wasting my time? This giant is by far the most difficult to tame. It’s gargantuan stature towers over me while I sink down to the size of a mustard seed. Deep down in the pit of my soul I meditate on the story of David and Goliath in 1 Samuel. Goliath towered over David at over 9 feet tall. According to the Bible, “he had a bronze helmet on his head and wore a coat of scale armor of bronze weighing five thousand shekels; on his legs he wore bronze greaves, and a bronze javelin was slung on his back. His spear shaft was like a weaver’s rod, and its iron point weighed six hundred shekels.” This giant sounds terrifying yet David, a scrawny little guy, pursued him with extreme confidence. David’s faith was so solid in Jesus that there was no doubt he couldn’t bring Goliath down. The underdog came out victorious. This story brings me hope. Ed is easily the worst giant I’ve had to take on during my recovery journey but my God is greater than the lies the enemy is trying to feed me. I have the power within me to tackle these giants in front of me.

Work has been crushing my spirit with bundles of stress and unexpected transitions. The enemy using my vulnerability to his advantage. Striking hard at every possible chance. My spirit slowly deteriorating. School is coming up and I have every intention of graduating this go round. I’ve come a long way since my Georgia College days but the hurdle of finances slowly me down. Despite the enemy’s wishes, I fought to keep my fingers interlaced with my Father’s. The Holy Spirit works in magnificent ways by promoting my cousin to send John 14:27.

{Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.}

Lauren Daigle’s new song, “You Say,” plays sporadically throughout my days. The words rush over my heart. Reminding me of my identity in Jesus.

{You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing

You say I am strong when I think I am weak

You say I am held when I am falling short

When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours

And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)

What You say of me (I)

I believe}

There’s a clear vision in my head of goals I want to be crushing. I pray that these ideas and hopes will continue to be vivid in my mind and are used as motivation and encouragement. I pray for the girl in the field, that I will run fervently towards her with eagerness and hope. I want to welcome her with a warm embrace. Strip away the unwanted parts Jesus. Let your characteristics breakthrough my disordered thoughts.

There’s a story inside waiting to break out. A story full of Jesus’s reckless love and endless grace. I pray for wisdom and guidance. My hope is that the Lord’s truth will be reflected in my writing; that my purpose will shine through this book I’m preparing. I believe Jesus has planted these seeds into my heart and I must use the gifts He’s designed specifically for me. My life feels like a jumbled rubik’s cube but I trust that one day all of the colors will fall into place. Jesus hasn’t brought me this far to be mediocre.

Isaiah 49:11 “I will turn all my mountains into roads, and my highways will be raised up.”